THE REAL ME

You hear people say that once they gave up one career or form of life and adopted a new one, they then knew that this was ‘the real me.’

What does it mean to say ‘the real me’?

I have heard musicians who had enjoyed illustrious careers as virtuosi, when reviewing their early days, recall such memories as ‘when I first saw and heard the violin I knew that was the instrument for me and that to play it was what I wanted to do’. My impression is that they have not been plagued by doubts about this early decision. I may be wrong, of course. Only they can know. But I get the sense that from childhood they had found what people call ‘the real me’. Think of Mozart and Hokusai, childhood prodigies. Was there ever any doubt about their essential natures and the fact that they would spend their lives devoted to their particular art? Had they found ‘the real me’?

But most of us do not have such a strong sense of vocation.

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What about the other side of the coin, the unreal me? It might be difficult for some of us to know what is ‘the real me’ but we may more easily identify what is definitely not ‘the real me’. Here is an example. I remember that some years ago when I was involved in a few DIY jobs around the house, it was suggested that I buy and wear overalls. For some reason this idea felt quite wrong. Why? I think it was because I regarded overalls as the uniform of the working man, of plumbers, decorators, joiners. To wear overalls would be a sort of copying of them, of trying to appear to be one of their number. It would be false, an act of pretence, trying to wear a uniform that I had not earned.

So I had perhaps found out more of what I felt was definitely not the real me but I wasn’t much wiser about what was or is the real me.

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I wonder if the notion of ‘affinity’ is close to whatever ‘the real me’ is. An affinity is ‘a natural liking for and understanding of someone of something’. Can I use the word ‘affinity’ in connection with plants? I was thinking of the idea that some plants ‘prefer’ to grow in full sun, partial sun or even in full shade, in more acid or more alkali soils. In this sense affinity means having an inclination for an environment which allows the plant to reach its full potential, to produce the maximum of vigorous flowers, blossoms, fruit or whatever. In short, they have an affinity for whatever is conducive to their flourishing.

Are people like that? Is finding ‘the real me’ a question of entering the milieu in which one can best fulfil ones talents?

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On similar lines I have heard people say that the first time they visited a particular house they immediately knew that it was the right place for them, a special place, another sort of affinity, perhaps.

I have never had any experience of that type. But when I reflect on the point perhaps I have but in my case not as regards a building but more a sense that one stretch of countryside in particular is my natural home or where I belong. But the problem is that I have had such a feeling in more than one place, in quite a few in fact, and certainly enough to make it unreliable to say the least.

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There was an item on the news the other day about a young footballer who had come out to announce that he was gay. I think that one journalist or sports commentator said of the statement that it allowed him to be ‘his real self’ for the first time.  I suppose that this is another way of saying that he had found ‘the real me’.

In this sense becoming ‘his real self’ was to cease living under a pretence. It implies that is possible to know aspects of your self and because of social pressures to need to conceal them. Bringing to the end of acting that false role comes as a great release.

APOLOGISING

One day when I had just driven through a particularly slow section of motorway, I saw a notice which read, ‘Sorry for any delay.’ For some reason this sign annoyed me. It did not seem right to me that an inanimate object could convey a feeling of regret. Now if someone writes a letter that says ‘sorry’ that may well be recognised as genuine. But a metal sign, perhaps one of many mass produced? Is anyone actually feeling sorry here?

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On another day, after driving through a village I noticed a sign which read, ‘Thank you for driving carefully’. Now an inanimate object was apparently expressing gratitude. As in the case of the metal apology, it seemed to me empty gesturing. Am I right in thinking that gratitude like apologising is rooted in a person-to-person relationship where one knows or at least is aware of the feeling of the other or others? It doesn’t have to be face to face. It could be in a letter. Or am I on the wrong track and the notice on the side of the road is just another form of message?

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The verb ‘to apologise’ has always struck me as a little unusual anyway. Think of other verbs. When I ‘kick’, ‘walk’, ‘think’, there is an event or a mental state to which the word refers. The verb is a name for that event. But if I say ‘I apologise’, to what event or mental state am I referring? Someone might say to me, ‘Come on then. You have said you apologise. Now go ahead and do the apologising.’ But what could I then do to satisfy this demand? Somehow in the very act of saying, ‘I apologise’, I am doing the apologising. Strange word ‘apologise’.

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We come across another kind of apology when representatives of a present-day generation apologise for the actions of their forebears many years beforehand. They are not apologising for anything that they personally have done but for what those with whom they are associated actually did in an earlier time. Can a person apologise for the actions of others? I suppose there are cases when this makes sense. For example, a parent might apologise for the behaviour of his or her child. But in this case, but not in the case of different generations, the parent is held to be responsible for the child’s behaviour.